Cyberdov

Purim 2007

CARPOOL KE-HILCHASO

A Practical Halakhic Guide

By Rabbi Eli D. Clark

Illustrations by Norman Rockwell

INTRODUCTION – The Automobile in Judaism

Technology has improved Jewish life in many ways – the printing press made seforim more plentiful, the electric light made it easier to learn Torah at night, and the washing machine gives women more time to attend seminars on lashon ho-ra.  On the other hand, many technological innovations inflame the yetzer ho-ra, such as television, the Internet and whoopee cushions.  How can we account for this puzzling paradox?

The answer, according to our Gedolim, is that the body and soul are inextricably connected, like the burnt crust stuck to the bottom of the cholent pot.  This means that sublime holiness and sinful corruption can be found in every aspect of creation, except for certain sections of Schenectady, New York.  Our task is to liberate the holy spark, the nitzotz, embedded in material things.

The car is a perfect example of this spiritual challenge.  It automatically releases a spark every time a piston rises to the top of an engine cylinder.

More abstractly, the automobile has potential for both good and bad.  As a mode of transportation, it is faster than a bicycle, has more seats than a hot-air balloon, and smells better than a horse.  But the car can also be used for evil, carrying people to concerts, movies and pizza parlors, and (dare I mention) rumble seats!

This tension is best illustrated in the case of the carpool.  On the one hand, the carpool literally brings children closer to Torah, where their young minds will be filled with expurgated stories from the Chumosh, improbable midroshim, and Chassidic tales of the unexpected.  On the other hand, the carpool can inspire sinas chinom and other sinful thoughts.

This work is dedicated to helping the reader reach his mechoz cheftzo, his desired destination, not only getting to and from school, but making sure that the journey brings him – and his passengers – closer to Hash-m.

I.                   Joining a Carpool

A.                 The first stage in organizing a carpool is selecting who will join.  This is the most important phase, as it determines what kind of people your child will be associating with and, possibly, marrying.

B.                 Remember: your children will be sitting shoulder to shoulder with somebody else’s juvenile delinquents.  Half the time, these knee-high Neanderthals will be teaching your little angels bad habits, bad language, and bad jokes.  The other half of the time, other kids will fight with your kids about: whose Dad is stronger, which one of the Teenage Ninja Pokemon Rangers is the coolest, who knows more about transcendental phenomenology, etc.

C.                 With their usual inspiration and wisdom, our Sages developed the following checklist for use in choosing families for your carpool:

1.                  A family that owns a car big enough to hold their children and yours, without having to store passengers in the trunk or lashed to the roof;

2.                  A parent who knows how to drive a car and has not recently argued with a traffic policeman that the words “reckless,” “negligent” and “endangerment” are open to interpretation;

3.                  One or more children who go to the same school as your children (or, harder to find, adults with an inexplicable willingness to leave their house every morning and drive all the way to your kids’ school);

4.                  A beard (preferably the husband’s);

5.                  The knowledge of good from bad, right from wrong, right from left, black from white, up from down, Cabernet Sauvignon from Petit Verdot, etc.; and

6.                  A tolerance for being cooped up with large numbers of wild, screaming children who have ingested too many bowls of Sugar Frosted Chocolate Balls.

D.                 If you cannot find a family that meets all of these requirements, fear not.  Many successful carpools have been organized with families that are less than perfect.  But we strongly recommend that you stay away from anyone who:

1.                  Is such a big masmid, he drives with an open Gemara balanced on the steering wheel;

2.                  Makes chugging noises with his mouth when going uphill;

3.                  Always says, Ha-kol be-yeday Shomayim, before pressing on the accelerator;

4.                  Installs a swivel chair in the driver’s seat, “to see what’s going on in the back”; or

5.                  Tells you her favorite movie is Thelma and Louise.

E.         When you carpool with the wrong person, the result is best illustrated in a story told by the famed Italian kabbalist, the Ferrarizal.  The story concerns a poor man named Tortellini, who eked out a modest living as an apprentice to a street cleaner.  One night Tortellini dreamed that Eliyohu Ha-Novi told him to move to Kfar Saba.  “Who me?” asked Tortellini.  “Yes, you,” replied the Novi.  “Couldn’t be.”  “Then who?”  The next morning Tortellini told his boss about his dream and announced that he was moving to Eretz Yisroel.  “You, my friend,” the street cleaner said admiringly, “are a tipesh.”  Tortellini sold both of his worldly goods and set off on foot for the Holy Land.  Suddenly, a fiery chariot came down from Heaven.  “Want a lift?” asked the angel holding the reins, “I am on my way to Kfar Saba.”  Tortellini, who did not actually know how to get there, happily agreed and climbed onto the back of the chariot.  “Hold on tight!” shouted the angel.  But it turned out that the angel needed to stop at the mall for a few items.  Then the chariot needed new brake pads, which took thirteen days at the garage because they didn’t have the parts.  When Tortellini finally arrived in Eretz Yisroel, he immediately traveled to Jerusalem, but discovered that it was August and everyone had gone on vacation to the Galil.  Disgruntled, he moved back to Italy and opened a pizzeria called Jerusalem II.  Moral of the story: If you eat more than two pizza slices, you have to make Ha-Motzi.

II.                Carpool Schedules

A.                 The most important aspect of every carpool is the schedule.  In the words of the great Chassidic master, Reb Ellibelly of Ljubljana, “A schedule is like a very tight pair of gottkes; it keeps you in line, but doesn’t let you breathe.”

B.                 For an entire school year, the carpool schedule will take complete control over your life.  It is like a prison sentence, except in prison they let you watch a movie on Wednesday nights.

C.                 Should you make the carpool schedule yourself?  This is a very difficult question.  On the one hand, working out all the dates and times and drivers can take a long time and will definitely cut into your golf practice.  On the other hand, you can make sure that all the inconvenient driving slots are assigned to someone else.  As Sh’lomo Ha-Melech wrote: “The man with the pen gets to stick it to everyone else.” (Pseudopigraphic Proverbs 16:21).

D.                 The carpool schedule will often need to be adjusted.  This commonly occurs when one of the children is sick, one of the mothers has a baby or one of the fathers gets indicted.

III.             Navigation or Getting There is Half the Issur

A.                 Navigation is definitely the most important part of driving carpool.  The route you choose has spiritual implications, as we see from the famous posuk in Sh’mos (13:17): “And it came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, that God led them not by the way of the land of the Philistines.” So remember: when you choose a route to school, avoid the neighborhoods full of Philistines.

B.                 According to our Sages, navigation requires identifying your destination and figuring out how to get there.  Let us examine these separately.

C.                 Destination: If you don’t know how to get to your children’s school, don’t be concerned.  All of these schools are pretty much the same, so just find the nearest one and drop the kids off.  Chances are, they won’t even notice the difference.

D.                 If you know which school to go to, but you don’t know how to get there, you have several options:

a.                   Ask the kids (this is less effective when driving children under age 5).

b.                  Check a map (unless all the maps in your car were printed prior to 1963).

c.                   Pray (it worked for Moshe Rabbenu).

E.                  However, it is assur to stop and ask for directions.  We learn this from Yosef ha-Tzodik, who asked a stranger for directions (see B’rayshis 37:17) and ended up sold into slavery.

F.                  Note: The prohibition on asking directions does not apply to women.

IV.              Punctuality and Tardiness

A.                 DON’T BE LATE!

B.                 EVER!!!!

V.                 Safety Issues

A.                 There is nothing more important in a carpool than road safety.  Some believe that the source of this chiyuv is the Torah’s statement: Ve-nishmartem me’od l’nafshosaychem – “You should guard your souls very much” (D’vorim 4: 15); but people forget to read the rest of the posuk: Ki lo re’isem kol temunoh – “That you are not looking at a sound-picture.”  In other words, Moshe was already warning B’nay Yisroel to save their souls by not watching television.

B.                 The real source for road safety comes from a different parshoh altogether: Ki yigach shor es ish o es ishoh vo-mays – If an ox gores a man or a woman to death” (Sh’mos 21:28), where the ox is the biblical equivalent of the Honda Odyssey.

C.                 From the moment a child enters your car until the moment you throw him out – I mean, drop him off – you are responsible for the child’s safety.  What does this require?

D.                 The carpool driver is prohibited from talking on a cellular telephone while driving.  There are several exceptions to this rule:

1.                  Use of a hands-free speaker phone is allowed.

2.                  Brief conversations relating to the carpool – such as cancellations or other updates – are permitted.

3.                  Third, any seriously important calls are allowed, including information about wars, terror attacks and alien invasions, births and engagements, sports scores, business news and really funny jokes.

E.                  Under no circumstances are you permitted to double-buckle two children with one seat belt, unless it is absolutely convenient.

F.                  Every child must be buckled into a car seat, wearing a seat belt or an inflatable life jacket.  Parachutes are also acceptable.

G.                 Every car must be equipped with a portable defibrillator.

H.                 Every driver must have attended at least three semesters at a medical school not located in Eastern Europe.

VI.              Carpool Policies

A.                 Easily the most important element of the carpool is the establishment of carpool policies.  The failure to establish policies results in machlokes (fighting), ayvoh (enmity) and horbuzin (I made that one up).

B.                 Your carpool will need to adopt rules regarding:

1.                  Pickups (No, not that kind!): Do kids wait outside on the curb or stay indoors until you honk the horn?

2.                  Dropoffs: Do you deliver kids to their door or can you drop them off at the city limits?

3.                  Stops on the way: While the kids are in the car, can you drop letters in a mailbox, make a bank deposit, or get a foot massage?

4.                  Discipline: If someone’s kid misbehaves in your car, are you permitted to gently discipline him with a soft-face hammer?

5.                  Lost and Found: If items are left in your car, can you keep them?  Does the answer depend on their net retail value?

6.                  Cancellations: If a driver fails to notify another carpool member that he or she will not be able to drive on his or her appointed day, should the family be expelled from the carpool?  From the planet?

C.                 Music also requires rules.  If a car has a radio, tape or CD player, the issue arises whether to play music and, if so, what kind.  Your options include:

1.                  Play Jewish children’s tapes, which are very educational and have halakhically approved lyrics.  The problem is that 17% of adults who regularly listen to these tapes completely lose their sanity.

2.                  Play Jewish wedding music.  However, most posekim advise against listening to “Od Yishoma” before 9:00 in the morning.

3.                  Play Frank Sinatra songs.  (Just kidding.)

4.                  Organize the children into an a cappella ensemble and teach them to sing Australian beer songs with four part harmony.

5.                  Play Simon and Garfunkel music, but tell the children that both singers became ba’alei teshuvoh and now live in Har Nof.

Copyright © 2007 by Eli D. Clark

All Rights Reserved