Jewish Reality TV (Purim)

Purim 2007

 

Jewish Reality TV Shows

An Unannotated Guide

By Eli D. Clark

Jewish American Idol

Would-be Jewish singing stars compete in a nationwide talent contest for a cash prize, a recording contract and a featured role in the fall fundraiser for the Hebrew Academy of Sarasota Springs.  Contestants perform in three musical categories: Hasidic/Jewish, Hebrew Pop/Rock and Streisand Impersonations.  The panel of judges mock the untalented, and teary-eyed winners thank their bar mitzvah teachers.  As women are prohibited from singing publicly, they perform pantomimes behind an opaque screen in a separate competition, known as “Jewish American Bridal”.

Survivor: Nassau County

Thirteen housewives are stranded in a remote strip mall miles away from the nearest Bloomingdales.  Divided into tribes of 2-3, they are forced to survive under primitive conditions with little more than a cell phone and a Platinum Visa card.  Tensions run high at the tribal councils, where contestants are voted off the game for rude language, chipped fingernails and cooking meals from scratch.  The winner receives a shopping spree at Saks and takes home a grey Vivienne Westwood suit and a pair of black Manolo Blahnik slingbacks.

Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire’s Daughter?

Watch the top guys from Lakewood line up for a shidduch with the prepubescent daughter of the dill pickle king of 16th Street.  Rigorous elimination rounds test the potential suitors on proficiency in hilchos pigul, knowledge of great grammarians in 13th century Gerona, and facility with fish forks.  Watch the men strut their stuff in the Borsalino hat brim competition and compete in the general knowledge test (the one who knows the least wins).  See the girl struggle to choose between the bald guy with yichus and the handsome blond who quotes the Ketzos Ha-Choshen in a conversation about airport lounge furniture.  Compare with: “The Chosson” below.

The Chosson

Twenty-five seminary girls vie for an eligible bachelor who learns in the Mir but also has a law degree from Columbia.  Sporting the same sheitel hairstyle and matching Bais Yaakov uniforms, the girls distinguish themselves with their personal knaidel recipes and their housecoat collections.  Tensions flare at a Chanuka party over who wrote the third stanza of “Maoz Tzur”.  In the final round, the bachelor selects the introspective girl from Monsey with the trust fund in Mauritius.

The Real World

Seven sheltered yeshiva high school graduates spend their freshman year at the University of Miami (“Suntan U”), a school known for binge drinking, casual physical relationships, and poor attendance at morning minyan.  Sharing a house together, the students fight over chores, celebrate Shabbos, fight over chores, debate religious issues, and fight over chores.  Living for the first time in a neighborhood without a kosher pizza parlor, the housemates learn to subsist on Cap’n Crunch and frozen fish sticks.  This program answers the age-old question: Can Modern Orthodoxy survive amid swimsuits, South Beach and sorority parties?  (Hint: No.)

The Apprentice

 

Fifteen idealistic young Jewish men and women fly to Israel to serve as interns in the office of an Israeli government official.  The program ends early as one of the officials is indicted, another resigns suddenly, two more are convicted of sexual harassment, four are caught taking bribes and the rest turn out to be plants of organized crime.  In the epilogue, two Israeli Supreme Court justices call each other names and a prominent news journalist is appointed assistant Minister for Diaspora Schnorring.

 

Copyright © 2007 by Eli D. Clark

All Rights Reserved

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